Fate? Destiny?

Today I went to a Chinese restaurant and after you eat the always give you fortune cookies with the tab. When get one and find a good fortune you get really happy but the truth is they never actually work, they just give you a sense misleading hope. I have been thinking a lot lately on the topic of fate or destiny. This is going to contradict one of my previous post but when you think about it, it seemed almost pathetic of me to write that post "Fate" I really should not let myself get down because of what has happened in the past, I should live in the present day where I live each and every day. I should do my best to work hard to get what I want, I have realized you will not get your future handed to you on a silver platter you have to work for it and not just wait around for something to happen, make it happen. Your fate is in your hands, whatever you do today can effect your future, to do that you need to take the initiative to work for your dream, whether it comes to love, career, or anything else, you need to take the extra mile to make it happen and don't lose hope just keep at it and I'm sure you will like your end result. Just keep your shoulder back, face forward and make it happen. Don't worry there will always be someone to help you through the hard times and to catch you when you fall.



Sorry if my post seems a little weak. I have been feeling under the weather lately. But I hope you enjoyed it. 

Dream

My family calls me a vampire, my friends call me an a flower blooming in the dark. The truth to it all, is that i just want to dream. Go under my cover which protect me from others, put my hand to my cheek, my head to my pillow, then close my eyes to soon fall under a spell. I fall asleep to enter my world, where no one can judge others based off of race or appearance.In my world there is no war, in my world there are only people who live in their dreams too. When I dream, I enter my world, to where I can be myself, it is not a utopia, it is place I wish to call home. Instead of a castle on a cloud it is a town on a mountain, to breath the fresh air, to feel the wind through your hair, feel as free as a bird and soar the sky. My world is for lovers, dreamers and believers. When you dream what do you see? To most you dream your ultimate fantasy, but sadly there are others who find dreams useless.To not have a dream is to not have a goal, never wanting to spread your wings and fly. Your dream is a secret to never be told, most of the time you forget your dreams but you do for a reason somewhere deep within you unconscious mind you have secret to never be told. You may not know it and you might never find out, the secret does not have to come from when you are awake it could be a secret from your dreams in your unconscious mind. Dreams are important they hold our inspiration, our wants, our needs, it also could hold a dirty little secret.

Seasons and Emotions

Ever notice how people are like the seasons. How sad and depressed people who dress in black are kind of like winter. Think about it, during cold winter days and nights we add more layers to keep us warm but only that it is to protect us, almost like how those people are protecting themselves from the harsh world, it’s not that they like don’t like people aka the weather, but just want to protect themselves from the reality and danger of going out there without any form of protection. How Happy and Energetic people who always wear light colors are like summer. During the blazing hot days of summer people tend to wear less, like how those people always show so much emotion and so out there, living in complete bliss without any worry in the world, they keep shedding layers. Unaware that if they keep doing this they will have to face this world head on, and eventually to the core aka absolutely naked, with no protection and completely open to the world. But in some weird sense I get the feeling that they have some logic behind it, like how living in bliss is also a form of protection, living in bliss can mean that you are unaware but it can also mean not worrying about the little things. So I guess in some sense we all have some logic to whom we are and how we act. Spring and fall people have a nice equal balance, But leaning towards one side a little more. So thus it mean we all think somewhat alike even people who may seem complete opposite can at least one thing in common. Preparing for the world, living in bliss and harmony or living in self defense and harmony, so yes we all think somewhat alike.

What can I say?

When I walk down these halls and I see you smiling I can’t help but smile myself. I want to be able to tell you how I feel but I don’t want to risk ruining our friendship. Besides you have changed my way of seeing this world, you taught me how to stand up for myself, and how to say “no”. So I don’t want interfere with your life, I’m positive that if I did I would make things awkward, even though you love another girl, I’m okay. Who knew that I would fall for you, it’s funny because I promised myself that I would not fall another guy, just to avoid heart ache. So even though you may see me as merely a friend or just the girl in your class, I will always remember what you did for me that day. I will use what you taught me to make myself a better person. As I look out the window on this cold winter night, I wonder to myself, who will be next to impact my life, a new friend, an inspiration, or a lover. You never know what life will throw at you next, just living my life taking it in step by step and day by day. I want to experience all of life’s joys and living to the fullest. Can I tell you my secret? I love you.

Winter Lesson

These winter days are getting colder, but even so my heart will remain to stay warm. For I have now realized that you don’t have to have someone love you to be happy all you need are people care. Thanks to friends, family, and my crush, they all have helped me see a little light. I should be out there having fun and doing my best to make myself happy. All my life I have tried to do my best to be kind and gentle to everyone but someone special told me that it’s good to be nice but you don’t have to apologize if you make one mistake. He told me that I need to take better care of myself so I won’t suffer while making others happy he said be yourself. These words touched me, it was amazing. When he spoke those words it was like he was angel to pull me out of the darkness, a boy who gave me a hand to help me up. So I’m perfectly fine as long as I know people do care.

Thank you for reading!

Fate

I accept my fate with my shoulders back and face forward. I walk towards my fate of darkness I know what I must do make others happy. If love somehow happens to sneak through to the darkness I will take it with my arms open, for this poor girl has never experienced love. Maybe he will accept me and my love. If this happens I will willingly leave the darkness and live in the light with happiness, love, and joy. Or maybe find love in the dark we can live in darkness together but I would rather live in part of the dark and part of the light. I wish to be held and loved for I have never smiled a true smile, laughed with my all, or cried out of happiness. I wish to experience joy. Someone help me! Save my heart and soul!

I actually cried while writing this.

Love

Oh, cupid why must thee hit with me with thyn arrow of love. For I have been, struck, I have fallen for thee, my prince. Thou hast found a way into mine heart and killed me deep inside. For I can’t get thee out my mind, but cruel love has it so, you have another love. For thou hast fallen for mine sister, oh cruel fate why hast thou hurt me so, I would rather die than fall for thee. For even though it is mine heart’s fantasy, it is against mine father's dying wish. For even thou ist a mere commoner and I a lady of royalty. You are mine, mine wish, oh how mine heart aches for thee. To thee I am a mere pest and annoyance but even if thee hates me so, mine heart will never let go. I hope one day thou can find a hint of love for me in thyn heart. Oh how I crave thyn sweet lips but for the sake of thee I will hold back mine love.

Forgive me for any spelling errors, this was my first time doing something in the Shakespearean language.

Please comment and give me your thoughts.

Thank you! 

My eyes, My life

Through my eyes the world has a different meaning and it’s different than most. A black rose you see as grim, I see it as beauty. The moon you see it as darkness, I see soul. Through my eyes I can see this world in all it’s glory, the good, the bad, death, and life. A glass is half empty or half full, why not both? During childhood and adolescence you experience joys and carelessness. During mine I have seen death too many times I experienced the real world, I know what it is like to love and lose. I think in different ways, I think deeper and question. Life can be brutal, Love can hurt, but always after a rain there is a sunny day. They love rap and dub step, I love punk and classic rock. They paint their nails pink and red, I paint mine black and red. They shop at Abercrombie and Juicy Couture, I shop at Hot Topic and Betsy Johnson. I may seem dark but get to know me and I am quite a nice person. I love to help those in need and I do my best, I may seem perfect to some but, is anyone perfect? We all have our needs our urges. It is impossible for someone to perfect. The seven deadly sins, what sins? We all have to go through them at least once in our life. We all have committed a sin. It make me think if there is a god why would he want us to be perfect what happened to “ God loves all his children” If he did love us wouldn’t he wasn’t us to be ourselves. Now in high school I have seen those who follow the fads and act so fake. I call those people cookie cutter boys and girls, but then there are those who follow their interest and do what the want, they have a mind of their own. I have my own thoughts, I have my own mind. I will never sink low enough to be a prey to the stereotypes or fads; I will rise above, live above. Not giving in to peer pressure or doing something that could put others in danger.  I will always be myself and no one else.

My life

Since this is my first time doing something like this I guess I will start off with my past.

I was born July 6th 1996 in San Francisco. I was born into a family of a mother as a lawyer and father as a scientist. We moved to Davis when I was 3. I met my first and best friend when I was 4 we were inseparable. Yeah everything seems so happy and good until the summer before 2nd grade. I was staying at my aunt's house in Texas it was so cool until we got a phone call from a hospital in Sri Lanka where my Dad was to go to a family reunion since he was Sri Lankan (my mom is also Sri Lankan). We found out he had a heart attack and died( yeah big shock). I just remember my mom coming up to me and my sister with tears in her eyes barely being able to talk and she said " Girls, Daddy is not coming home. We are going home" My sister asked why she said" Because Daddy got sick and died...." that's when she broke down crying while holding us in her arms it took me second to figure this out. Then I realized what was going on and tears filled up my eyes and it felt like a part of my heart just died inside I could not stop crying. When we got home school was starting soon so I immediately ran up to my best friend and I told her I had some bad news, she said she did too. She was moving to Oregon after the school year ended, I was stunned that's when I collapsed on my knees and cried I told her that  my dad passed away recently and she started to cry to because her dad was one of my dad's closest friends. I could not believe it. I just lost my dad and now I'm going to lose my best friend. After that my luck just sank to the bottom, 2 years later my godfather died of cancer it was mortifying to see him dying in the hospital right before my very eyes. The bad luck did not end there, no it just got worse. Soon my mom started to date again, then she got re-married but there was on flaw I hated this man he moved in and he was incredibly mean and nasty to my sister and I, we hated him. Now moving on to junior high, it was 7th grade I was ready to learn and make friends but no, in P.E. we started off doing gymnastics. I was so excited I had been doing gymnastics since I was 6 years old so I got to demonstrate how to use all of the apparatuses, when it came to the bars I was ready ( bars was my specialty) so when I started I showed of my new routine. Everyone was so impressed until one nasty little bitch started to call me Hindu hooker since some of the moves seemed a little like a pole dancing move to her. I was pissed and that totally ruined any chances of making any friends. The next year when everyone forgot about it a new girl came and started a rumor that I was addicted to drugs because I had an allergic reaction and had to use an EPEE-pen (used to help with allergic reactions) right in front of my friend on a late start Wednesday and I had to go to the hospital.Finally it was my last year in junior high, I wanted to get the heck out there without any trouble, turned out to be the worst year of junior high another little bitch came and oh she came with an evil that you could see in her eyes. We were friends for awhile but then suddenly people stopped talking to me and avoided me I was so confused , that's when one of my guy friends came up to me and asked " is it true" so I asked him what the heck was he talking about he said " you know, the rumor that you are a lesbian". I was shocked, It did not bug me that people thought I was a lesbian , I grew up with one my friend's parent being gay and two of my mom's best friends were a lesbian couple but it was the fact that everyone avoided me because that, it hurt. She also kept calling me names like "ugly whore", "fat bitch", "cow". She made me hate my life, I started to hated myself, because of that I went into depression and started to cut myself, I felt like some how I deserved all the crap that has happened in my life. I even wanted to kill myself to put myself out of this misery because apparently I was the girl nobody could love, I was the only girl who was never asked out or even kissed and I thought no one cared if I died . When I told one of closest friends this and asked her " what would you do if I killed myself?" she just paused and started to cry she said " I-I-I-I don't know what I would do. You are my best friend, you helped me through so much, you are the nicest person I know. Please don't go, I care about you". She kept on crying, I stood there for a second and thought wait someone cares? Before I knew it I was crying too. I promised her that day that I would stop, she helped me see that someone cared about me and that I was not alone in this world. Now it's my sophomore year in high school I now attend a charter school and everyone there calls me "the absolute nicest girl you could ever meet" I have friends who I can be myself towards and people who understand me. I now look forward and I never want to look back, I'm finally happy and proud to be where I am right now, my scars from cutting myself remind me of what a huge mistake I almost made.

I know kinda corny to end on a happy note but hey at least I know now that my life does not completely suck.

Sorry if my first blog is lame to you but that's my life!

Hate me, love me, I don't give a shit!