Bye, Bye

"A long long time ago
I can still remember how
That music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while"

- Don McLean, "American Pie"

I still remember, one of the last memories I had of him, my dad. We were in the car and he put his favorite mix tape in. This song started to play, it was his favorite. The last memory of him smiling away with his little girl, me. Then a few years after he died, my mom got remarried, I thought that if I kept smiling it would be alright if I hid my feelings. The music of my life always held a soft sad tune to it, but I never showed it out often, I kept it to myself. The music died down today, yet again. He yelled and screamed at my mother while I hid in the laundry room, he packed up and left. I'm not sure for how long or if he will come back at all. My mother trying to be strong and so am I. Is it wrong for me to lose faith in any good for my life? After almost 17 years no good has come. It's really hard to stay positive when nothing goes right.

What Is To Come

It's the shock. the realization, the pulse, or whatever you care to call it. But it is the sudden realization of something, it could be something that could be of some great importance. it could be the simple realization of a mistake of something, it could be the snap of reality. You know no matter how hard I try it never got me anywhere, when you have the passion even the motivation for it. But no matter how hard a little bird may try to escape from the cage, if it is big enough and there are other birds who have just chosen to live not acknowledging the fact that they are trapped even with the large amount of space. I wish to spread my wings and fly, fly out of this large cage. Though big, I want to fly up, for there is no limit to what can be achieved. However when the other birds see this what will they do? they will try to keep that little bird down. to say it is impossible, to take reality into consideration. But what happens to that little bird. it just wants to dream, it refuses to accept this as its fate. To succumb to this society, but the little bird is slowly becoming one to this, to sink into this fate. With no options left, it doesn't want to make others mad, or sad, or to yell.  So reluctantly it chooses to become apart of this society. And the dream of the little bird disappears.

Somebody You Used To Know

What to do when person you thought you knew turns into a completely different person. I once knew a boy, he was sweet, funny, and I cared about him. Now he is someone different, that boy was someone that I used to know. It's one of the saddest things, when you truly and deeply care for a person and then they turn to have no respect for you later. You hope and hope that the person will go back to that old persons you knew and loved. You shed tears from the lost, and when you finally realize it's time to let go it break you a little. Sure you have other people who care about you, but when it was someone who you felt a connection with it hurts like no other. But however this may be tragic if you realize this sooner the pain will be less, keep telling yourself it was for the better and realize that it will not only help you but also them. It's okay to cry and to feel empty a bit. But always know that you did what was right for you.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

I look at this world once again and yet again it has changed in my perspective. I look around the classroom with my headphones on so there is not other sound that the music pounding in my ears. The whole world seem to slow down and it seems a little unreal. I just don't know what to think of this world anymore, I don't what to think of humans or even who I am. It's like I've been sucked into this duplicate world and there is a truth that has yet to be discovered. I feel like currently this world this world does not consist of the aware and bright humans that we were once but now just a bunch of puppets being controlled. I kinda feel like everything I have worked for has been all for nothing. I don't who I am or what my purpose is and the strange thing is that I'm not afraid. I want to know but I'm not afraid of the truth, even when I contemplate these thing now I no longer start to hyperventilate and have anxiety attacks. I don't what I'm going to do or if i will do anything at all but i wont be an unaware and oblivious doll. I understand that it is weird to question this world but although it is my home I feel like I don't belong. Society has never fully accepted my race yet but it's not that I don't feel accepted in society but more of the fact of how I don't feel accepted in this world. It's odd, strange, and I don't know what to think of my mind but all I know is that I'm glad I'm able to ponder these things and I get the wonderful opportunity to share it to the world without the fear of being ridiculed.

The Sky

  Ever lay in the grass and stare at the sky, well I know I have multiple times. I just stare off into the space above and watch the clouds come by, one by one. Some may call it boring but when you look you get your imagination pumping and your mind tries to create shapes of the cloud above. Usually you will see something that is related to your current or past interest. The other day I looked at the sky and saw a dragon, since I was little I was always fascinated by the myths and stories of theses creatures. When you stare at the sky it puts the mind at ease calming the body and mind. I stare at the sky and just let mind float around thinking about either deep thought that ponders through the human mind or sometimes it's as simplistic as what am I going to do this week. With summer time around that nice long vacation I get the time to just leisure around. For me when I look at the sky the shapes that come about give me inspiration to write and more ideas to write down. They may not be the best ideas but can eventually blossom into something greater. So whenever I feel down or in a bit of a stump I stare at the sky. Sometimes I stare at the starry sky instead of the bright and cloud filled day sky. the night sky often allows me to put my mind on concentration mode, I do this often when I need to help to overcome an obstacle that is causing me stress. Sometimes I just got outside on the roof of my house and stare at the night sky. Sometimes I just need release so sometimes I just go out to cry. For some reason crying out there gives me a comforting feeling as if someone is speaking soothing words to me saying that it's okay to cry and it does not mean you are weak because of it. So I stare at the sky and let mind do what in needs to do to help me put my mind and body at ease.


Sorry it took way too long to update I had to figure myself out a little more and i had to overcome some really hard issues. I sincerely apologize and I will continue to update every week. Thanks for reading!

Stress

Stress is when you have that constant annoyance in your head. It feels like a someone is hammering a nail into your skull, your head is throbbing, you can't get to sleep, and it may cause you to break down in tears. Everyone has to go through it, we get it when going through hard times of our lives. But the moment you are able to relieve the stress is one of the greatest feelings. It slowly dissipates from your body, as if someone has just taken a huge weight off of you. For stress to be relieved you must overcome that task or finding hope to keep going, no medicine can make that burden go away until you yourself has completed the task at hand. Sure there are many techniques that are supposed to relieve the stress but all it does is calms you down it never actually make the pressure of your stress go away. Stress can be from a variety of things, school, work, love, friends, past, future, parents, siblings, society, ect. The list goes on and on, it is a wonder how we are able to live even with the pressures of life always around us. Stress the thing that makes you want to curl up in a ball and never come out, yet eventually we always find a way out.

Sorry for not posting for so long. I have had a lot of family issues to work out. Thank you for your patience!

Fairy Tales

Remember when you were a kid you always dreamed and believed in fairy tales and happy endings. Some even wished that their lives could be like a fairy tail, like meeting your true love and instantly falling in love, then get married with a cliched ending of the scene with the kiss of your newlywed spouse. It's really quite funny when you think about it. Wheres the fun and adventure of just having your happy ending handed to you on a silver platter and also it doesn't work that way in life, you have to actually work hard to get your wish granted. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but there is no fairy godmother that going to grant you wishes.  I remember I always believed in fairy tale endings, I always thought if I just keeping waiting sooner or later my prince charming will come and sweep me off my feet and well you know the ending marriage, kids, ect. Then maybe I thought he would throw rocks at my window and tell me of his love for me, yeah i was kinda delusional. Then when I got to be a teenager I just thought to heck with fairy tales, i just wanna be me not some prissy little girl who can't even take care of herself. I gave up on love an just focused on my education so then I can do what I want in the future, yet somewhere along the lines I forgot to let my emotions through. I forgot the one part of my controlled life .I might have forgotten about love, no not a prince but love for my family and friends, I ended up losing most of my friends and I was left alone. I learned that these tales aren't supposed to show you what happens in a good life it just shows you the importance of life, like having good friends, caring parents, dreams like no other. Looks like there ended up being some use for these cliched stories.

Sorry

Sorry for being me, I’m sorry that I’m not normal or the person you wanted me to be. I’m sorry that I’m not popular, not smart, not popular, being weird, being me. I’m sorry that everything is wrong about me. I’m sorry that I can ruin any chances of friendships by doing one stupid thing. I’m sorry that I cry. I’m sorry that I dress like an emo but act like a crazy. I’m sorry for wanting to stay in my room and not confront the painful world. Sometime I wish I could just leave and never come back, I can’t face the world, and all they do is point out all the wrongs in me. I tried so hard to fit in but after all of this I just ruined it in a second. I’m sorry that I say the weirdest things, I’m sorry that I know nothing about relationships, I’m sorry that I space out a lot, I’m sorry that fall to easily. I’m sorry for being me. I’m sorry that I can’t say “no”, I’m sorry that I’m ugly and pretty or cute like every other girl. I’m sorry that I can say the stupidest thing in the world. I’m sorry that I sometimes cry at night since I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry that I’m a failure at life, I’m sorry.

The Future

Since the school year is coming to an end it's time to start picking out our classes for next year.Today in English class our counselors came to give their little shpeal about completing our graduation credits since we are entering 11th grade and about SAT testing, etc.  Then suddenly it clicked in my head, my school years are almost over and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I have absolutely no talent, I have tried many sports, activities, arts, and I have nothing to show for. The thought of the my life after high school and just the future scares me, I am honestly terrified of my life in the future. If I don't find my talent soon and become passionate about it I might end up on the streets. I've been living my life in complete ignorance and bliss, I never really thought of the future. Last year I thought my future was death since I wanted to kill myself but now that I'm over that I have nothing. What happens next? I have no clue, to me the pressure of society making these requirements and setting such high standards for adults in today's society is really getting me stressed out.  So you go to school for 14 years, then maybe go to college, get a job somewhere, then what? What happens next is this the future for every human being on earth. Is this really all there is to life? That is exactly why the future seems so scary to me, I don't want to live this routine life of the typical person. I want something more, but I guess I wont know what path to take until I have found out my talent, my calling. Hopefully I can end up doing something with this life, something unique, different from most.

Live Your Life

I love it when you see a person with their own individual style, thoughts, looks, ect. It truly makes me happy when I see those people, they are their own self not trying to be someone they are not. Not conforming to social norms and ignoring the status quo. Be yourself and be proud of who you are as and individual and unique person, don't follow others open yourself up, accept your strengths and weaknesses don't try to be something you're not, be who you are. Ignore the comments of others, don't let society choose who you are, be passionate about the things you love, do what make you happy. if people around you can't accept you as an individual then who cares. One of the points of life is to have a different one than everyone else, there is no single individual who can live the exact same life as you. you only get one life use it well and do what you want, because who knows later you may be laying on your death bed wondering what life could have been like if you chose to make your own path, you might die with an unaccomplished felling and I have to say that would be the worst way to go out.

The Natural World

The natural world is a mystery and what I believe to be one of the closest things we have to magic. The sun, stars, the moon, earth, air, fire, water, they are a part of nature yet so unbelievable. I have currently taken quite an interest in the astrological signs and their connection to the 4 elements, Earth, Fire, Air, and Water. These constellations and stars now are used to tell fortunes or tell you about your personality traits. Aries the Ram, Taurus the Bull, Gemini the Twins, Cancer the Crab, Leo the Lion, Virgo the Virgin Maiden, Libra the Scale , Scorpio the Scorpion , Sagittarius the Archer, Capricorn the Sea Goat, Aquarius the Water Carrier, and Pisces the Fish. They all carry a purpose as parts of nature, each of the signs are placed to represent a specific element. Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius represent Fire. Taurus, Capricorn, and Virgo represent Earth. Libra, Aquarius, and Gemini represent Air. Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces represent Water. They are yet connected as a part of nature, truly a wonder and beauty. We all need learn eventually that we all need to appreciate this beauty before it goes away, at this current rate it will be gone before we know it. So go on out enjoy this while we can, go out and smell the flowers trust me it’s worth it.

Valentines Day

Valentines Day one of the most pointless days of the year in my opinion. Love is not supposed to be about giving presents or spending huge amounts of money to please your partner, nor about chocolates and stuffed animal, those are not sentimental, they are only superficial objects that are supposed to represent love. Love is supposed to be simply enjoying each others company and loving them for not what they have but what they give like when they make you smile or how they touch your very soul and bring it warmth. This holiday has simply become an excuse for couples to make out in public and then go home and have sex. This holiday used to be about remembering a great man who brought couples together and lovers to get married but now this has become simply about sex, chocolates, and gifts. If you want to show how much you care do something that comes from the heart. You could write them something, cook, or do something that shows them your love but do not buy them things that have no sentimental value or any love put into it. I used to love the holiday but as time went on I grew to learn that this holiday has become corrupt like many other holidays that have been taken over to simply earn a quick buck. I no longer wish to have anything to with this holiday and refuse to say “happy valentines day”. For this holiday has no great meaning behind it anymore and has become about greed, jealousy, sex, and stupid objects.

Yours. Your Special Someone

In your life you will come across many people, some good some bad.You will find people who share a common interest or personality trait. There are your family and friends who will support you and love you. But in your life you will meet one person, the one person who you cannot live without, the person you love with all of your heart. That person will be like your guardian angel, male or female it does not matter, they would risk their lives to save yours. They love everything about you, both your good and bad traits, they are your best friend. even throughthe hardest times they will hold your hand through everything, the good and the bad. They will never let you fall never let go, love you for you and they share their lives with you and they will become a part of yours. Every morning they will smile and be glad to wake up to seeing your face, they love it when you smile and they are sad when you cry. They are a part of you, a piece you cannot live without. As days pass and your days get shorter and shorter their love will never decease. Their love will remain even in the grave. 

Is It Lust Or Love?

I sometimes like to wonder if about the main things of life, Birth, Childhood, Adulthood, Love, and Death. They are very vague subjects so my ideas never stop flowing and there was one thought that came over me recently, is there such a thing called love? Some say that there no such thing as love only lust, then there are others who say that there is love and that it is the closest thing that us human have to magic. Since I was little I always figure there was love since no one in my family ever divorces and the couples in family are always so happy together, I thought there were soul mates the one person in the world you could love. The love has only been lost through death no divorce, but as I grew older I began to see the real world and how divorces happen quite often in reality. So now I grow quite curious on this topic of love, I have asked many people this and ask “Is it lust or love?” It turned out half said lust and the other half said love. So still today I ask myself is there love? Can you truly love someone with your whole heart? Loving them with your whole being? I would like to believe there is such a thing as love but seeing as how I have never come even slightly close to that feeling with someone I have no idea. Maybe one day I will truly find out the answer to my question it may take years or it may never happen but I still want to believe there is such a thing as love.

What Do You See When You Look At Someone?

What do you see when you look at a person? Do you judge them immediately? What do you judge them on?  Appearance? Race? Or how they talk? If you saw an old lady fall down would you run to help her? Most people don’t. That it is what is wrong in society today people believe that if it isn’t about them they don’t have to do anything, it true that you don’t have to, but it is the right thing to do. A lot people don’t give damn about anything that doesn’t involve them, it’s wrong. To those who actually care about other people whether or not you are involved, I bow my head in respect. Most people today in society are selfish and greedy people. They need a wake up call to remind them that we are all living humans; we should treat each other with the same respect and kindness as everyone else. I am not saying that we need to completely turn over a new leaf but I am saying that we need to remember to at least give each and everyone the same respect and the same human rights. I do know that everyone is a little racist but that does not mean we should commit it hate crimes against others. They say all bystanders are innocent but in truth, they are as bad as the people committing the crime. Why? Because they did nothing to try to stop it, I understand if it puts your life in danger but if you see a person being bullied then stop it, intervene. Do what’s right.  

In This Life

I can’t help but think that this life is a lie, just a dream. It is almost too good to be true, I have suffered and cried but now it feels like it is impossible for me to have suffered so long then suddenly have things change to the better. I did nothing to get to this happiness and it happened so suddenly and now I have friends and people who actually like me? I feel like this was all a dream and that when I wake up, it’s all going to go back to misery. I guess I have lived in the dark so long that it feels weird being outside and living life to fullest, experiencing the happiness and joys of life. Maybe this how life should be, it’s just too new and different to me. If this how my life will be from here on out then maybe I can get used to this feeling, this feeling of warmth, and this feeling of love. I need to get used to this life or my soul will always remain in constant fear of the darkness, I need to learn that this light, this world, this life is now where I will remain. I think I still need assistance to help me get on my feet, but with a little help I think I can get better and learn how to live in this life.

Love? It Can't be? Can It?

I am so confused. What should I do? We fight like the rat and cat from the zodiac calendar but then everyone says it’s a love hate relationship. They say we actually love each other but just keep it inside. Do I love him? It can’t be, he is cold and distant, and he calls me names and makes fun of me. But then he has his moments where he is actually nice to me. I can’t love him, it’s not possible. But the why can’t I get him out of my mind, I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I though I hate him, I though we were complete opposites. I’m so clumsy and nice, he is strong and mean. If he hates me then why does he tease me so often? Even if we started to develop feelings for each other, there is no chance of us going out. I am a sophomore and he is senior he will be graduating in a couple months. They are so mean, making me think so much about this and why does he have to be like that.

Karma. A cruel mistress or an angel

Karma is a beautiful thing, it balances out the good and the bad. Like yin and yang, one can not live without the other. No matter how much your life may be bad or depressing karma will serve you, it may take even years. When everything seems lost just keep your head up and believe that it will get better. Karma will also punishes those who have hurt you, fear not vengeance and justice will be served. She can be a cruel mistress but then can be kind and sweet like an angel. There is not one person in the world who has died without experiencing both joy and sorrow,  ask anyone. It is a part of life that each and everyone of us must experience. Do you believe she is a cruel mistress, an angel, or do you believe she is a simple part of life. Your answer tells what you think life is about, but know this you will one day understand how karma can be both.


I would just like to thank my viewers and a give big thanks to my followers, you are the people who give me the inspiration and passion to keep writing. 

New Year, New Life

Time to say goodbye to 2011 and welcome 2012. I' m glad this year has finally come to an end, I can say goodby to the pain and say goodbye to those who have hurt me. At the end of the year karma served me well, after all those years of hurt and pain I finally got to see the joys of life and learn what it's like to be truly happy. The years of hurt is gone and I can welcome joy and happiness. The new year starts and I have high hopes for 2012. Already this year has started out great, at a New Year's Eve party I met someone, someone who was kind and gentle, we shared laughs and danced like there was no tomorrow. He played music for me on his piano and it felt amazing, the notes were dancing in my head and the sound just flowed together like water going down a stream. The year started out with a new friend and it made me happy, all my life I was judged constantly based of my race and for some reason people avoided me because I was not white. But when I met him he just didn't seem to care, he talked to me like I was no different than everyone else. I do have friends who never cared of what race I was but never from a guy. It made feel happy inside , it felt nice being treated like everyone else. I have a feeling that this will be a good year for me, I think I can live in peace and happiness now. I think I'm going like this year and I won't let anything ruin this year for me not even if the world comes to an end.