Hi Again

Hello, I'm not sure if anyone will be reading this but oh well. It's been almost a year since I last posted on this blog. A lot has changed in my life and I think it's for the better, I let some people go from my life this year because they were kind of toxic and I needed to be okay. I still get some depression swings but that's normal since it's always been a part of my life. I'm on a break from college to work and to figure my life out. I'm still unsure of what I want to do, I know I would very much like to pursue acting for film but I of course need a back up plan and something to keep me going. So right now I'm in this awkward place right now, not sure what to do and finding work here with little to no experience is hard. My part time job ass waitstaff for a catering company can only do so much for me, I only work weekends so there's not a lot in my paycheck. It's almost sad when you feel like you're in a rut and there's nothing you can do, just feeling light and tired. No excitement and kind of alone, it's really hard to describe but I'm hoping when you read this you'll understand. You feel like you want to talk and let it all out without anyone saying anything back just listening, I guess that's why I'm writing on here again. I get this weird comfort of letting it all out here, I guess I'm feeling a bit better now. Hopefully things will turn around soon. Goodbye

Go And Live

Why do we spend our whole lives studying, doing things that we personally don't want to do but do it anyways to fit the norms. If we could persue our dreams without having to worry about money we would all be happier. Now consider a person and artist who wants to draw comics so they study art and are willing to go through tough times. But now you have to have a back plan so you study some ordinary subject and realize half way through that you might as well do it because you earn more money than those struggling to make a living off what they love. It's dumb that more and more people today are giving up the dream they have in exchange of a social situation. But I don't blame them, when you constantly have the same thing shoved in your face that it's "you're not good enough". You need the bravery to push against the door to enter the arena of your dream despite the hate. It's easier said then done but life is full of trials and error. But hey if one person can do it, it'll inspire another person to do it too.

Midnight Thoughts

I'm really happy...I swear....sometimes.
I'm not sure about myself, it's scary. You finally feel happy about yourself and then boom someone brings you down.
You have a really great day and then somebody has the simple small nerve to ruin it
I swear I'm happy
I hate myself actually
Yes I act cocky and I'm all confident on the outside
But I'm actually really self loathing
I hate how I look even though my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful
I hate my voice it's so annoying and high pitched I sound like a dumb California girl
My friends think I'm great and so sweet when in reality I just come up with bullshit answers like how
everything is going to be all right. I just hope every day that I'm still their friend
I don't feel loved by my parents. Yeah they buy me stuff and they say they are proud, yet I get so hurt by their words
I hate myself in all reality....I try to throw up or look up crazy diets to make myself skinny
I fake a smile sometimes to say I'm okay
I took 3 years of voice class just to try to change my fucking voice
I finally made my parents somewhat proud...but not good enough
I just listen to other people even though I hurt inside and want to talk
I fear for the day I stop getting loved by my boyfriend....he's kinda holding the pieces of my heart
Are you happy yet?

You know, I don't know why I do this...midnight thoughts that I just have to write down. It's since I have no one to really talk to I write it out. Haha. As most people have guessed if you actually read my blog  I kinda have the ups and down like every other person on this planet earth. The truth is that I'm just human.. I have the right to want things in life and like most people, all you really want is people to love you and listen. Yeah...so profound compared to some other entry's. So I'm sorry to say this isn't some very detailed and very thoughtful post. It's just me needing to say it. Okay?

So honestly if you read this and start thinking about your own life try doing what I do. Write it down on your computer or in a notebook just get it out of your system, it feels better and if you have the courage share it out.

Sometimes It's Hard....

You know sometimes it's really hard to either keep a straight face or just to smile when you know you are hurting but you just have to stay strong. When you try to brush it off as nothing but deep down inside you feel a little hurt. Trying to explain these feelings but words don't come out right, sometimes defending yourself just doesn't work out in the end. You have to conceal and stay dormant...it's hard. You just cant seem to please anyone no matter how hard you try, confused and lost. Some just don't understand. I don't even know what to say half the time. Just try to breath and let it flow. You make mistakes, we all do.
How is it that we can reach out to outside of our world but yet we cannot reach an understanding here. It's a very confusing time and you feel like a flower withering away from all the pressure and the stress. You try to make peace but you just cant see beyond. But just think it wont always be like this, it won't always be this hard . You just have to keep moving on. Just give it a little room and time

I Honestly Don't Care

Today I came home after having a really fun night with my friends, it was usual and I was just filling out some papers and suddenly I just thought fuck it. I laid on my bed just thinking and nothing really came to mind. No memories, no creative thoughts, no stress. It was like I could die today and I would even care, the apocalypse could start today and I would most likely just be chilling in my room. I thought of nothing, nobody. It's just that feeling you get sometimes I guess or maybe I'm just crazy. I mean I would probably regret it the next day but everything seemed peaceful, not thinking about college, work, friends, boyfriend, parents. Just nothing, you know it's kinda relaxing. It's nice, just clearing your mind and just lay back and think I could honestly care less at this moment, for that short period of feeling free from everyday life. Heck I'm not sure if anybody still reads my posts since it's been forever since I last updated my blog. So, to anyone reading this I suggest you try it, make your room quite but light and lay somewhere comfortable and just relax and just say "I don't care" and let your body and mind come to peace it's nice when you've got a lot on your plate.

Journey

I'm not sure why, nothing has really changed in my life but recently I've felt this sort of peace of mind. Like of been freed a bit, kind of like I can now start living my life the way I planned it, not the way anyone else did. Forgetting the people who only brought you down and being happy with the people who are supportive. It's this light feeling in the center of my chest like the true feel of free. Kind of like the first time a bird can fly, it's just amazing, take your breath away and somehow makes it easier to breath. For every person there comes time that they have this. It's the beginning of finding yourself, and a longer journey through life.One that's long but one that I'm going to enjoy now. For once I want to continue my journey through life. I'm truly happy

The Nobody

So in a recent project for school we had to write a short essay of our personal experiences with prejudice. So I decided to share it with my wonderful followers, here it is

It was my second year of junior high, I was and 8^th grader, the kind of in-between awkwardness you were older than the new teenagers of 7^th grade and younger than the “high school” kids of 9^th grade. That was the year that most of us found a specific social or ethnic group to “hang out with”.  There were the “preppy populars”, The gossipy girls, athletic guys, and “swagtastic kids”, Ranging from ethnic groups of white, African American, and Latino. Then there was the “Indie Populars” which were the musicians, intellectual funny guys, the gamer girls and boys, Artists, Consisting of whites and Asians. There were the typical over achievers, class clowns, ect. And then there was me, the awkward girl who spent her entire 7^th grade in the library. I tried to fit into every group I could find. I was too white to fit in with colored people and too dark to fit in with white people, I wasn’t smart enough to fit in with Asians. I didn’t have enough talent to fit in with the art kids, too awkward to even try to approach a popular kid. I wasn’t a gamer or a comedian. I was just there, and I tried everything to be accepted even if that meant changing who I was. No matter where I tried I would get teased for being “different”. I would go home every day questioning “what’s so bad about me? Why don’t fit in?” Even at home I felt out of place, I was always was compared to my sister she was smart, beautiful, thin; she had a lighter skin tone too. I thought about it for awhile and I came to the conclusion that it was my skin color, in all the magazines I read having fair skin was beautiful, delicate. Even in the fairy tales I grew up reading described princesses with beautiful fair skin. I tried to hide my skin whenever I could, then one day I saw an ad in a magazine it was skin whitening cream “Have gorgeous fair skin in weeks! Soft and pretty like silk” The next day I hurried to the local drugstore and bought myself some. I was so excited I would finally be able to fit in. But after two weeks nothing changed in school but only at home, my grandma would complain always “Your skin is too light!” so my new look wasn’t exactly approved by her. I talked to my mom about it and she just said “Well try talking to people then they will see your personality and love you” Well I tried that and the funny thing I just became more of an outcast. My love for anime and manga, my weird sense of style, I was a fantasy writer, and even with absolutely no musical ability I still loved to sing. I would spend lunches just trying to get the nerve to talk to these people again so just maybe I would be accepted.