Midnight Thoughts

I'm really happy...I swear....sometimes.
I'm not sure about myself, it's scary. You finally feel happy about yourself and then boom someone brings you down.
You have a really great day and then somebody has the simple small nerve to ruin it
I swear I'm happy
I hate myself actually
Yes I act cocky and I'm all confident on the outside
But I'm actually really self loathing
I hate how I look even though my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful
I hate my voice it's so annoying and high pitched I sound like a dumb California girl
My friends think I'm great and so sweet when in reality I just come up with bullshit answers like how
everything is going to be all right. I just hope every day that I'm still their friend
I don't feel loved by my parents. Yeah they buy me stuff and they say they are proud, yet I get so hurt by their words
I hate myself in all reality....I try to throw up or look up crazy diets to make myself skinny
I fake a smile sometimes to say I'm okay
I took 3 years of voice class just to try to change my fucking voice
I finally made my parents somewhat proud...but not good enough
I just listen to other people even though I hurt inside and want to talk
I fear for the day I stop getting loved by my boyfriend....he's kinda holding the pieces of my heart
Are you happy yet?

You know, I don't know why I do this...midnight thoughts that I just have to write down. It's since I have no one to really talk to I write it out. Haha. As most people have guessed if you actually read my blog  I kinda have the ups and down like every other person on this planet earth. The truth is that I'm just human.. I have the right to want things in life and like most people, all you really want is people to love you and listen. Yeah...so profound compared to some other entry's. So I'm sorry to say this isn't some very detailed and very thoughtful post. It's just me needing to say it. Okay?

So honestly if you read this and start thinking about your own life try doing what I do. Write it down on your computer or in a notebook just get it out of your system, it feels better and if you have the courage share it out.